An Abundance of Paper Horses Looking for the Fault in Their Graysons
by LooFroop81
Summary: This is a parody of the Fault in Our Stars, but mostly just John Green as an author. Two horses fall in love. That is all I will say, the rest is on the other side. Don't disregard this, it will probably be the funniest thing you'll ever read.


Disclaimer: I do not own anything by John Green (thank god) or his name, references to him are merely cliche and necessary.

WARNING: This is a John Green PARODY, I'm am sad to say that I despise him as an author and a human. Please do not hate me. I do not dislike him unjustly however, if you would like me to elaborate PM me and I'll hit you up. I'm very open with my feelings, anyway, hater or fangirl alike will find this story wildly funny. You may cry. Have fun. The tone is thick sarcasm.

An Abundance of Paper Horses Looking for the Fault in Their Graysons

Penelope was a very vulnerable and witty, quiet horse. She was so smart and funny, but nobody understood her. Ever since she was thirteen she had been having profound thoughts like, 'what is life?' and 'why? feminism?'. Although this made her personality quite mature, it also separated her from her friends: she was a very wise horse among children. Her parents realized she was different, so they enrolled her in a leadership school. It was just lots of yelling encouraging things, and figuring out 'who you are' but Penelope already knew who she was. A very wise horse with an inferiority complex.

"I just don't, like, understand why adults don't get me?" Penelope's best friend Judy Horse grouched. Penelope nodded her horse head, humoring her far less wise bestie.

"I think adults are like a paradox, constantly being the things they pretend not to be," Judy looked at her with a confused horse expression.

"What's a pear-ah-docs?" Penelope rolled her horse eyes, she grunted a horse sigh. At the meeting that day where they did their community bonding, there was a new boy horse. His name was, Abel Moonbloom.

"Now, we're going to go around the group and state the fears we are going to overcome this year," the Horse councilor boomed, "would our guest like to start?" Abel stood, flipping his horse mane.

"Infinitude," he licked his horse lips, "I don't want to be a speck in the universe, I want to be the horse that mattered," he looked at Penelope knowingly. Penelope laughed wisely.

"Do you have something to share, Penelope?" the Horse councilor inquired.

"Um, so, yeah, you can't fear boundlessness because one day, it's just not gonna matter, ya know? Like one day, we're all just glue," Abel laughed charmingly.

"Touche," he horse winked in her direction. The meeting ended and Abel invited her to come back with himself and his posse of swag horses. In the woods hidey hang out of Abel's horse posse, they smoked horse cigarettes together. It had been Penelope's first so she had had to horse cough a lot.

"So, what's, like, your story?" Penelope asked endearingly.

"Well, I was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer two months ago, and like yeah," Abel looked down, horse depressed.

"Oh, my gosh… should you be smoking?" Penelope put a hoof on his shoulder, comfortingly.

"I'm not actually smoking," Abel gasped, "that's disgusting! It's just a metaphor!" Penelope extinguished her horse cigarette, ashamed.

"What does it mean?" Penelope asked tentatively; removing her hoof from his shoulder.

"Huh?" Abel looked up confused, "Oh, this?" he took the horse cigarette out of his mouth, gesturing to it questioningly, "Oh, I don't know," he chuckled. Penelope was confused but decided not to dwell on it.

"Penelope?" Abel said sweetly, "What's your name?" he flipped his horse mane again.

"Um, Penelope Smith," she said confused.

"No," he gave her a smoldering horse gaze, "Your full name," his horse eyes sparkled.

"Penelope Ray Smith," she blushed.

"Well, Penelope Ray, I'll see you tomorrow at our date (you are mine now, hence the calling you by your full name)," he horse winked.

The next day, Penelope was very excited for her horse date with Abel. She was dressed in her best horse attire when he came to pick her up in his horse car.

"I must warn you," he said as she sat down, "I'm a terrible driver," they careened of the side of a cliff because they're horses, but luckily, the damage wasn't too bad.

"Wow Abel, that was so amazing, I think being so close to death really opened my eyes… I just wish more people understood me," she hung her horse head. He placed a hoof on her lips, shushing her,

"I understand you, Penelope Ray," her heart swooned. She'd never felt so understood in all her life. "So," he began, "Tell me something special about you, something no one else has," he ran a hoof through her mane.

"Um," she blushed, "I read this amazing author, John Green, no one else knew about him a while ago… now it seems like everyone loves him. I'm just so mad, like totally, I liked him first. I am the original Green Babe," she huffed horse angry.

"Oh, my gosh! Me too!" Abel looked amazed, "I read his first book when I was like, five. I'm pretty sure Pudge is my spirit human," Penelope gazed at him with horse love in her horse eyes.

"You're so amazing," Penelope gawked lovingly.

"What?" Abel horse blushed.

"I'm such an introvert, and you got me out of my shell. You're so loud and charming, I feel like love is an open door," Penelope fluttered her horse lashes at him. Abel horse smiled,

"I guess it's getting late, goodbye my Penelope Ray," Abel blew her a horse kiss with his hoof. Penelope waved goodbye with her horse hoof, heading off home to her parents who gave her a rude awakening.

"PENELOPE RAY SMITH!" her horse mom shouted, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THEY DO TO THE SMOKER HORSES? THEY SELL THEM. FOR SLAUGHTER!" Penelope rolled her eyes, she wasn't afraid of _the man_.

"Oh, Mom, you just say that because you don't understand me, I'm not a smoker, it's a metaphor,"

"For what?" her horse mom shouted.

"I dunno, but Abel says it's special," her gaze wandered dreamily. Abel was so special, just like her no one understood him. Also, he was so mature, like, nobody believed it, but Abel was basically an adult, but better. He was like adult 2.0 (#veryadult #mature). He was ready for anything, for goodness sake, he already had his horse license (that's right, he could horse drive).

"Penelope!" mom slapped her back to reality, "You go to your room and work on your inspirational quote books, now get out of my sight!" she swooped her horse nose (muzzle) into the air, aloof. Penelope went to her stall and tried to write in her book but just couldn't. She just wasn't inspired (Also she didn't have hands). She lay in her hay bed and cried herself to horse sleep. When she woke she ran from the barn to find her love, Abel.

"Abel Moonbloom," she said as she found him, "how is your evening this extraordinary day?" Abel paced horsily back and forth. He looked very upset.

"The doc gave me less than two years to live Penelope Ray, less than two years!" Penelope gasped.

"No!" she threw herself to the ground, she cried at his hooves horsily until her breath was ragged.

"Come on, Penelope Ray, let's go fear infinitude together," he handed her a horse cigarette and they raced off toward the edge of the horse pen where they wouldn't be disturbed and asked philosophical questions about life.

"If our eyes aren't real, how can mirrors be real?"

"I know, right? And like, if there is no god, then what created the universe? Gravity? Yeah right," Penelope snorted.

"Yeah and like, space is infinite, I just wow, this is so scary. I've never been this deep before," he looked at her, horse eyes wide.

"I know, me too," Penelope took a drag from her horse cigarette, she tried to hide it, but ever since that day she was addicted. Suddenly from the distance she heard her mother's scream.

"PENELOPE. NO!" her mother's anguished cry echoed through the field. Without warning, Penelope felt her neck ensnared. It was _the man. _

"Oh, my god! No! Penelope!" Abel cried.

"It's the system, man!" Penelope horse bucked and whinnied but couldn't free herself from the system.

_The man _pulled her away, human shouting all the while. This guy must have been, for reals, unwise. He forced her into a metal contraption that made her horse steps too loud. Her mother screamed for her from outside.

Her metal horse prison began to move. It moved for hours, days, she thought it would never stop. This trip gave her time to contemplate the meaning of life. She chalked it up to a cruel joke, made only for her, everyone else was just a simulation to make her wise-ness miserable. It was a test and she had passed so they were taking her out of the simulation so that she could join the wise horses of the universe.

The prison stopped abruptly. The doors were pulled open and horse Penelope was pulled out by _the man. _They brought her into a large building, there were horses everywhere in various stages of disarray. She was brought in to a room, covered in red liquid. It had a metal shoot, a horse slide, she presumed. Oh, what fun this would be. _The man_ walked up to her, placing a small black machine shaped like a banana on her horse head.

"Oh yes! Oh holy John Green, take me now! Take me to the wisdom kingd-"

FIN

"Because, sometimes life ends in the middle of a sentence." -John Green (AKA the worst)

But it's all a metaphor, or is it?


End file.
